A very interesting week.  Started off with an email from a friend that was going to be in the area and meeting up with the friend in the middle of the night, in a lil bitty town out in the boonies.  We had an awesome talk. i hadn't been able to ever really do that with this person,  usually short talks and hugs at events.  This, was a very nice visit. Even though i was not home till nearly 5 a.m. and had to be at work at 8:30.  i truly truly enjoyed this and i hope our paths meet again at a time when we can..........talk more.  hehe

i was supposed to help a friend move this weekend. Those plans were changed very quickly friday about 1:30 p.m. my 18 year old showed up in the office, bent over, in obvious pain, i quickly left my staff a note and rushed her to the hospital.  One ultrasound and one catscan later we find she had a cyst on her left ovary rupture.  ouch!  She was in a great deal of pain.  They admitted her, wanting to make sure she didn't develope a fever or any other symptoms.  We didn't get into a room until midnight though.  We were both hungry and exhausted.  She of course, wasn't allowed to eat or drink, (just in case).  So, being the sweet mother i am, i didn't eat either. 

i juggled the baby and 18 yr old on saturday, the 20 yr old went on to Lubbock to help my friend move. We got home around 6 that evening to find the kitchen sink overflowing all into the kitchen.  No time to get upset or rest more importantly. Today, we sorta had a lazy day, i played games on yahoo and we watched movies together.  

Speaking of movies, i had "The Bridge" on my netflex delivered this week.  What an interesting documentary.  i had heard about it on talk radio on my way home from Albq. N.M. a while back.  Don't quote me but i think it said, in the year 2004, 24 people committed suicide on the golden gate bridge.  The guy did the documentary because he'd learned they wouldn't put up a suicide barrier because it was too expensive.   i have to admit, it shows people jumping, and your heart just sort of stops cuz you know what they are doing.  What those people must have been thinking as they walked to the middle of that bridge, wow.  It talks to the families of those that did it  along with witnesses.  They apparently filmed the bridge for like a year.  i dunno, i figure, if there were a suicide barrier, then those that are in that state of mind, will find another way to do it.  Anyways, it was an interesting documentary.

i watched The Hills Have Eyes 2 with the 18 yr old today. My gosh, that was, stressful, yes, thats a good way to discribe it.  From beginning to end something was happening to someone, stressful.  i think that i'm getting too old for scary gor movies, i'm more of the suspense filled scary movie these days.

Oh well, i'm tired, been up too late. i better get to bed. 

Happy Saint Patricks day, i didn't wear green all day in hopes of being pinched, no takers. whats up with that? 

Had a call from Master Don today, that was a wierd surprise.  He was in search of someone to lay carpet and thought i might know someone he could call.  Occassionally he leaves me short im's, saying i'm missed.  i never respond to them.  I didn't mention anything about not being in service to Major anymore, and naturally he didn't ask about him.  i cut the conversation pretty short, mostly because i really didn't know what to say to him.  

did alot of daydreamin today.

Talked to a nilla friend yesterday and she talked me into goin to Mooses for a burger and a beer after work yesterday.  i had a 7 and 7 though, never liked beer.   Mooses is a old harley hang out i used to frequent with friends and an ex-boyfriend.  i had a blast, it was so good to see my friends again, i hadn't 'hung out' in quite a long time.  i had hung out with my lifestyle friends either come to think of it.  Heck, i hadn't hung out with anyone in the last two years.  i remember how Major would react to it if i asked permission.  He'd always say, "if it is something you really want to do".   In his tone i would hear, "I don't want you to".  So sometime in there i stopped asking, i would just turn everyone down.  i'm learning that many of my friends and family did not care for Major. (lifestyle and vanilla)  They thought he was arrogant and snobbish.  i sort of have to giggle when i say that.  i never saw him that way at all, but i can see where they did.  My girls (19 and almost 18) are very supportive.  They didn't like Major more than anyone i know, of course i wasn't aware of it till it was over.  i love them.  They don't talk bad about him though, the worst thing they've said is, "why was he such a snob?".  So, they are happier about this than i am, but they don't sit around and hate on him, they know this is painful for me and i love that they know this and just walk up and give me a hug out of nowhere.  

i've started rambling, intended to just talk about my night out.

So, after the sun started to go down we headed to Skooterz where it was warmer. (mooses is an outside hang out you can only fit about 25 people on the inside.)  Skooterz, is 'the' harley hang out.  i hadn't laughed and talked with so many friends in so long, it was really really great.  Around 10 i was ready to go home. (10 had been my bedtime for the last 2 years and that habit is hard to break now)  But several people wanted to go get a bite to eat, i had already eaten but i submitted to going along.  We ended up at the i-Hop and i had coffee and visited and laughed some more while the people eating ate.  i had a really really good time.  i told my friend on the way home not to expect me to do this as often as they do, but i'll step out on the town occassionally, i didn't miss the partying, but i missed my friends.  The 'missed you' hugs were pretty awesome though.  i needed them.  It was nice to catch up, who was sleeping with who, who got divorced, who got married, etc etc etc. We just laughed and laughed remember things we'd done, places we'd gone, several invites to go to Sturgis, but it really isn't my scene any more (unless i met a harley Dom lol).

Yesterday, i was still feeling a lil wishy washy.  i'm sure i was dropping sunday and yesterday from saturdays awesome, intense scene.  This morning i think i'm feeling pretty good so far.  It's going to be tough i know, but i'm ready for it all to get easier.  i still struggle with needing to call him.  i can't, if i do, i know what will happen, but it's certainly a struggle.  It is very difficult going from being in service to NOT being in service.  i've never really thought about it before, but ya know, when we begin these relationships, it's sort of slow moving, negotiating, getting to know each other.  we give some control but we hang onto some, then that day comes when we have the discussion about giving up total control.  So we sort of slowly move into a total power exchange relationship.  When a relationship is over, bam, it's over, there is no weaning off his control, your just, out there, sorta wondering, what do i do now?

Things will be okay, i know this.  Guess it's time to put on my Boss shoes and get to work.

(did i mention i was never good at journals?)